A Weekend of Thinking

Yesterday, I attended the wedding of one of my childhood friends. It seems weird to use that term, but that's what we are. We were best friends growing up, but time and life have taken their toll and we have drifted apart a bit. It was a beautiful wedding in spite of the weather, and it was nice to have a laid back atmosphere where everyone just seemed to go with the flow. I am truly happy for her and wish her the best as she begins her new life as a wife.
Lately, every time I go to a friend's wedding it gets a little bit harder for me. I watch as the number of my single friends dwindles and the number of married couples grows. I try not to be bitter as I want nothing but the best for my friends, but I can't help but wonder when it's going to be my turn. I know I'm young and a lot of people my age aren't married, but I feel like I'm so ready for it.
At church recently we've talking about living out our strengths and finding jobs that use our strengths. I feel like I use my strengths in my current profession. I feel very alive at work and enjoy the satisfaction that I have from knowing I do my job well. I like to work. I like to stay busy. I get bored when I have too many days off in a row. I don't have to try very hard to do a good job in the ER, it comes pretty naturally to me. I think most of the time I do a pretty good job of recognizing my strengths and pursuing them. That's probably because I don't do things I'm not good at. It's not that I give up easily or don't try, but when I realize that I'm clearly not cut out for something, I don't do it. That's not to say that I'm not open to new things and adventures, because I am, I'm just not going to waste my time doing things I'm bad at or don't enjoy.
I think my strengths are my loyalty to others, being a helper and a "doer", and my ability to multi-task. I consider myself to be a good friend. I would do anything for my friends and have best friends that I have had since childhood. I rely on my friends to keep me accountable and be my support. I try hard to make sure that we stay in touch and visit when we can. My true friends know me in a way that few people do. I hope that they would agree that I am a loyal friend. I also get a lot of enjoyment out of helping people and being a "doer". Health care was a very natural job field for me because as generic as it sounds, I really do feel that I am good at helping people. Beyond taking care of sick people and helping them feel better, I think I am able to help people on a more personal level. I am a problem solver and have always enjoyed puzzles and such. My gut sense of people is normally dead on. I'm a pretty good judge of character for the most part. I am often the one my friends and family come to if they need advice or want to bounce an idea of someone. As far as being a "doer", that's how I show people I care. I like to do things for others, especially things I know they will like or may not have time to do for themselves. I may not always use words to express my feelings but in my actions I feel that I truly communicate my appreciation and love for others. My ability to multitask is not so much a strength for me, but a way of life. I very rarely do just one thing at a time. I have to be really tired to just be focusing on one task. I remember a time in college when my roommate came in to find me sitting at the computer with music playing, the TV on, while I was writing a research paper. That's the way I am though, I like to keep my mind busy. Maybe that comes from growing up in a house with 6 other people where there was always a million things going on at one time. I think it was ingrained in me at birth though, because I remember being that way even when I was a child. I was the kid who liked to do workbooks in the summer, because I needed to stay busy. (yes I believe we've established before that I'm a nerd) In the ER, one has to be able to multitask in order to survive. You'll drown in all the chaos if you can't do more than one thing at a time!
If you've managed to read this far and are still hanging in there, you may be wondering where I'm going with all this. While this post may appear to be pretty random, it really is all connected. As much as I feel like I am living my strengths by being a PA in the ER, I feel there is something more that I have to offer. As much as I love my job and working, I would give it all up to be a wife and mother because I feel like in that role is where I can truly live out my strengths. I had a friend in high school who wrote in my senior year book that I would make an awesome wife and mom someday, and while that was a really weird thing for him to write, I think that he was very right. The words he wrote seem to come to me a random times and I often wonder why. I try and be patient and trust that God has a plan for my life that includes what I desire, but sometimes it's hard. Especially when it seems like everyone around me has what I want and I'm left out of this wonderful experience. Several of my friends have started to have children, and that makes it even harder. I love children and seem to have a natural ability to relate to them. I worked in the nursery for several years at church, and loved to just hold them and watch them play. As happy as I am for my friends that are married and starting families, I have to fight the jealousy and "why not me" questions that often fill my thoughts. I hope and pray that someday soon I will get the chance to enter the role where I truly feel I can live in my strengths. For now though, I will keep plugging away in the ER and using my abilities to help the people that I see there.